Why People Wear the Yellow Bracelets

Given recent events, I think it's important to remind people why Livestrong means so much to the cancer community. It's not about blindly idolizing a person or wearing a bracelet...

The Livestrong Manifesto

We believe in life.

Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.
This is LIVESTRONG.

We kick in the moment you're diagnosed.
We help you accept the tears. Acknowledge the rage.
We believe in your right to live without pain.
We believe in information. Not pity.
And in straight, open talk about cancer.
With husbands, wives and partners. With kids, friends and neighbors. Your healthcare team. And the people you live with, work with, cry and laugh with.
This is no time to pull punches.
You're in the fight of your life.

We're about the hard stuff.
Like finding the nerve to ask for a second opinion.
And a third, or a fourth, if that's what it takes.
We're about preventing cancer. Finding it early. Getting smart about clinical trials.
And if it comes to it, being in control of how your life ends.
It's your life. You will have it your way.

We're about the practical stuff.
Planning for surviving. Banking your sperm. Preserving your fertility. Organizing your finances. Dealing with hospitals, specialists, insurance companies and employers.
It's knowing your rights.
It's your life.
Take no prisoners.

We're about the fight.
We're your advocate before policymakers. Your champion within the healthcare system. Your sponsor in the research labs.
And we know the fight never ends.
Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life.

This is LIVESTRONG.

Three Years

It's unimaginable that Dan has been gone three years. Some days it seems like forever. And other days it seems like he is just away for the weekend.

Whoever says time heals all was probably just trying to think of something nice to say. If you've ever lost someone, you know that there will never be a time when you don't miss the person... ache to talk to him one more time... see him smile... hear his laugh... But time does start to erase the memories of illness and hospitals and treatments. And for me, I can see him as young and healthy, bouncing around full of life.

Three years is enough to see the lasting impact of loss. I wish so much that Dan were here to see the birth of his best friends' kids and all of his nieces and nephews. I wish that he had a wedding day. I wish he had been able to buy his own house with a yard for a dog (or three, knowing Dan). I wish he could be here in June to have a big party for his 30th. I wish he were here to tell his story because even though we try, there was nothing like his living example of strength and honesty. These things don't ease with time... because as years go by he misses more and more "things". And my heart breaks a little more for him... and for all of us that don't have him in our lives every day.

But, I know that Dan would not want anyone to feel sorry for him. Of course he would want to be missed (and be the center of attention every once in awhile). I think he would like it that his friends will gather tonight and be together. And I think he would understand when we say it still hurts so much because we love so much. And that love will never fade away and never be replaced. Even though my heart is heavy, it is bigger and has more room because of Dan... even his loss. I know all of the good things he brought me will always be with me... and that makes tough anniversaries just a little easier.

Waeger Will Win

Two Years

It's really unbelievable to think that two years ago this morning, I was sitting in Tastee Diner with Dan's sisters just a few hours after he passed away. It has been a long road.... one that is equally part devastating, enlightening, hopeful, scary and sad.

Two years. It's now been officially longer than Dan has been gone than he was in my life. That's weird. I think of that sometimes and realize how lucky I am to be so associated with Dan's memory for so many people. It was never hard to stand in the shadows of that big light he gave off. And I know that while days like today are difficult for me, I do not lose sight that people reach out to me. I hope that Dan's family and close friends receive the same, as it can be an isolating day.

One of the things that always struck me about Dan was his ability to be quiet & reflective during otherwise hectic times. I think back to the days spent at Hopkins when he received treatment. It was actually almost a social event, with Dan's parents, me and many friends who stopped by on their lunch hour or took time to spend the afternoon with us. While the rest of us chatted and caught up, Dan would sit there receiving chemo. Sometimes there were cupcakes. Sometimes the nurses came over to hear about all the Waeger babies and goings-on. People shuffled in & out to get coffee or food from the cafeteria.

I used to watch Dan and wonder how someone in such a vulnerable spot could be so himself. And the longer I watched, the more I realized that he spent most of that time sitting quietly with his thoughts- whether in the waiting room for a scan, getting blood drawn or sitting on the chemo deck. I never knew what we was thinking about and he never told me- was he scared? was he thinking about getting Rita's Italian Ice after the treatment? was he going over his last round of golf in his mind? or dwelling on happy memories? He was always deep in thought, and it never was the kind that made him upset or sad. It actually used to bother me that he didn't talk about his feelings much about cancer. He was as positive at home and behind closed doors than he was in front of others. And I always asked- how are you not going nuts all those hours we sit in the Hopkins? Dan just always said it was what he did to get by and keep himself focused. It was just how he dealt with everything, which I am sure also included taking care of all of us around him.

After two years, I understand him a little more. He was- day in & day out- dealing with a disease that could change in an instant. There was no time for fear- it would simply bury him. And not only did have to beat back a disease, but he had to fight hard to keep his every day life in tact. And he had to carry hope for so many- me, his family, his friends, co-workers and fellow survivors. Think about that- how many people get sick and go on disability? Dan took care of himself and all of us, and rarely asked for real help other than for a visit during chemo or to play in his golf tournament.

Those quiet moments were what he needed to re-charge, not just for cancer but for us.

I have learned many things about grief over the past two years, and am still learning. People like to say that time heals all wounds. Well, that is a really crappy and unfair thing to say to anyone who has lost someone. If that were true, than all of us would be thinking "What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel better yet?". Time passes- and that can be a cruel reminder and a relief at the same time. Last year, I felt the need to do something in the community to honor Dan on this day, so I visited a hospital and met with young adult cancer survivors. It was a relief in a way- to make it one year. To have survived that time. This year, it feels more appropriate to honor Dan in the way he dealt with things- quietly... to take the time to re-charge for me, and for cancer-related work.

That's the funny thing about time for me- it is both frozen and moving forward. In my mind, Dan will always be (almost) 27, wearing his Penn hat backwards, smiling and full of energy. But that is also sad for me. He will always be young and healthy. He is frozen in that moment, but has already missed so much- the weddings of close friends, the birth of a nephew and niece (with more on the way), the birth of his friends' children... his own wedding... his own children. I think about how he loved spring and would be excited to start golfing again and talking to his dad about playing soon. He would say his nephew Jack looks like him. He would be busy launching another scholarship program. He would be so proud of his brother-in-law's success and sad to see his nieces move to Cincinnati. He would be attending his niece's baptism this weekend and so excited to see her family from Bolivia. He would be talking to his other sister as her husband leaves for another tour of duty. He would be telling his mom he was alright and not to worry so much about him. And he would be going to Opening Day in few weeks with his friends. He would be dressed up in green tomorrow for St. Pat's, wearing whatever crazy beads or hat I gave him.

I know he would be proud of us- moving forward but keeping him in our hearts. But it hurts nonetheless. And it's ok to sit and be quiet for a moment. To remember and re-charge. I think it's kinda fitting now that Dan died the day before my birthday.... today is about honoring the past, and tomorrow is about the celebrating the future. For this moment, it is still ok to mourn.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum.

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

The Challenges of Surviving Cancer

Just wantes to share the voice of a young adult cancer survivor again as a reminder of what it means to live beyond treatment.

The Short Story

I suffered a mini stroke (TIA) this week as a long-term side effect of the radiation I received for brain cancer in 1996. (Stupid cancer.) I am fine right now, recovering and will be getting a battery of tests at the NYU Stroke Center next week. I have fortunately not lost any cognition or motor coordination. I have a slight speech impediment which should be self correcting and my overall health is just fine. I'm home with my wife and children and laying low for a while.

The Long Story

On January 23rd, I awoke with a mild speech impediment and within two days noticed that symptoms had not improved AND I was having trouble touch typing. On January 26th, I asked my staff if they had noticed a change and they all confirmed my worst fears – something neurological was impacting my daily functionality.

A call to my oncologist resulted in a fast track insurance pre-certification for an MRI w on January 30. The preliminary radiology report indicated a new tumor on my brain stem, the pons, specifically. An emergency visit to my neuro-oncologist on Monday the 31st confirmed the structure however the nature of my symptoms didn't seem to add up to the suggested prognosis.

It is now the general consensus that I did NOT have a brain stem glioma and that the radiologist who originally read the MRI scans was untrained in neuro-radiology. However, with this relief, I had a different set of challenges to deal with – I didn't have cancer. I had suffered a stroke, also known as a transient ischemic attack or TIA; a known side-effect of brain radiation.

My body is on the path to healing and recovering. Next week, I am going for a battery of tests at NYU on track to enter their Comprehensive Stroke Care Center for observation, evaluation and further monitoring. Seeing as how my TIA was not caused by traditional risk factors, it remains uncertain what direction the NYU team will recommend but I plan on adding this to the list of issues I get monitored for each year.

This is my fourth brain cancer scare over the past 15 years. In 2003 I began to experience bilateral ocular migraines which blurred my vision and in 2004 I contracted ocular shingles. No tumor. The in both 2007 and 2009 I went spontaneously deaf in my left and right ears, respectively. (High dose prednisone fully restored my hearing three months later) No tumor. I've also had a lung cancer scare which turned out to he pleurisy and a testicular cancer scare which turned out to be a hernia.

I'm still here and nothing is going to stop me from loving my wife and my children and being the one of the most passionate cancer advocates in the country. I think the takeaway from this is that when the doctor says "You're cured. Go home.", that's never the end of the story *especially* for pediatric, adolescent and young adults living, through and beyond cancer. I may still be disease free but I don't feel "cured" as long as I – and millions others – continue to deal with the consequences of treatment. Surviving cancer comes at a price. With all these billions going to fund more and more mostly necessary cancer research, where is the money for cancer survivorship?

Let this be a call to action to start funding survivorship now. Go out there, raise awareness, raise your voice and raise hell. Fund survivorship now because remission is not a cure. Support the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation and our partner organizations in serving the survivorship needs of our generation.

I hope I am the only one around who can wear a t-shirt that proudly proclaims, "Thank God it was only a stroke."

I am still here. You are still here.

This is why we fight.

Stupid cancer. Survivors rule.

MZ

I Prefer the Roller Coaster

Giving Thanks

First off- there is a fantastic article about a young woman whose story reminded me very much of Dan. Her name was Jill Costello. She was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. Like Dan, she was a non-smoker, a college athlete at Berkley- she was on the crew team. She lost her battle after a brief but courageous fight, and has done so much to raise awareness for lung cancer. Jill lived every minute of her short life, and her friends and family are keeping on in her memory.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1178822/1/index.htm

And second, since so many days go where I don't stop and take a moment to reflect on all the great things I have been blessed with, these are the things I am thankful order (in no particular order)

1. The Tastee Diner- I used to go here almost every morning when I wasn't working after Dan died. It was part of my routine. I've recently started going again before work or days when I work from home. The people there are so nice- salt of the earth kind of people. They know my order and always refill my coffee before I have to ask. It's just a comforting place to go, and I never get tired of going there, even if I eat the same thing every time!
2. Christmas music- ok, even if it's silly that the radio stations started paying Christmas carols on a continuous loop the week before Thanksgiving, how can you NOT like it? Christmas carols always make me happy. They remind me of going to Catholic school as a kid, and singing in the Christmas pageants. And make me look forward to Christmas Day, when my dad pulls out the song sheets and we all still sing together. On a gloomy day, no matter what time of year, Christmas music always does the trick.
3. My freedom- and I'm thankful I've never been the one who has to risk my life for it, though I appreciate the men and women that selflessly do.
4. A good pair of comfy socks in the winter and flip flops in the summer.
5. My parents who just celebrated 40 years of marriage. They may not be the most demonstrative when it comes to showing affection, but they are always there for the people in their lives. Moreso than any other two people I've ever seen in my life.
6. My family, which includes both mine by blood and those by the strings of my heart- the Waegers, my "cancer" family, my friends from school... too many to name.
   
7. My charming and precocious nieces... for the silly little things, like leaving notes on my refrigerator and their contagious laughter.
   
8. My health. My health. My health. And health insurance- so many people are dealing with little ailments and big diseases. To be able to get up every day and do the things I want to do physically- I will never take it for granted. And for the times, I've needed it- the access to doctors and insurance that pays for it. Should be a right, and not a privilege.
9. The mere fact I've made it through one of the worst losses a person could go through.... however I maintained my head and could have hope for the future- I will never get over the loss and the pain it leaves behind- but the fact that now know the capacity of the human heart to love & heal- I wouldn't give that knowledge up.
10. Red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (also my niece's favorite)
11. Dunkin Donuts coffee
12. Mani/pedis... best $30 you can spend on yourself and come out feeling like a new girl.
13. Mashed potatoes
14. Having someone in my life that loves me and wants the best for me. Who accepts me for who I am today... no matter what. Who supports me and makes me laugh and keeps me happy. And who keeps a level head when I don't.
15. DVRs- who knew one invention could make life so much easier
16. Getting paid every two weeks
17. For my everyday heroes... the ones who spend their days personally or professionally battling cancer. It's the hardest job one can have. For those whose job it is to help those with cancer- the doctors, nurses and non-profit professionals... I don't know how they do it, but their contributions to the quality of other's lives are amazing. For those living with the disease- no one can truly understand the level of mental and physical strength it requires. For the caregivers- to maintain your sanity and stay positive is a true gift.
18. Going to sleep every night and getting up every morning. I may not like getting older, but I'm lucky I am.
19. My guardian angel who will always be young, happy and smiling in my memories. Gone but never forgotten and always missed.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and remember to be thankful for the big AND the small things!

A Long Way to Go

November is Lung Cancer Awareness month, and next Sunday Nov. 7th, I will be attending the second annual Breathe Deep DC (BDDC) 5k walk for the Lungevity Foundation. If you'd like more info, please visit

http://events.lungevity.org/site/TR/2010TeamRaiser/General?px=1448282&pg=personal&fr_id=2641

I've helped out the last two years with the event, and have been amazed at what a small group of people have done to raise awareness about our #1 cancer killer. The walk was started by my friend Jerry Sorkin, who is currently battling lung cancer. This is actually his second go-round with cancer, having beaten it back as a college student many years ago. He is married with two great kids and an awesome wife. Anyways, the walk came about last year when Jerry wanted to find an event to attend during Lung Cancer Awareness month in the DC area. And he was stunned to find that NONE existed. NONE. And this is a disease that kills more people that breast, prostrate & colon cancer COMBINED. So Jerry got together a few people, put them to the task of conducting a wall on the National Mall.... people who weren't fundraisers or working for a non-profit, just a group of people who wanted to make a difference for Jerry and everyone dealing with lung cancer.

Below is what I wrote when asked to say a few words about why I am involved in the event (few words- hah!)

I was engaged to Dan Waeger, whom we lost to stage IV lung cancer at the age of 26 in March 2009. At the time he was diagnosed, Dan was just 22 years old. He was pursuing a Master's degree at Wagner College where he was also the assistant golf coach. The diagnosis came as a total shock. Not only was he just 22, but he was a lifelong athlete. He was a non-smoker from a family of non-smokers and with no known risk factors.

Dan took his diagnosis in stride. He commuted from New York to Baltimore to receive chemo, and maintained his full-time student status. Not an easy feat. It was his experiences as a young adult dealing with cancer who did not want to put his education on hold that led him to found the National Collegiate Cancer Foundation (NCCF). When friends and family wanted to raise money for him, he instead gave it away to young adults who did not have the "team" he did- friends, family, health insurance, etc.

Dan lived with his stage IV diagnosis for almost four years. During that time, he made cancer advocacy his life's passion. Foregoing a career on Wall Street, he instead took a job in development at the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship, the nation's oldest survivor-focused organization. He also advocated passionately for lung cancer research and awareness, trying to dispel the stigma associated with the disease. He hoped that by sharing his story and "winning" attitude, he could impact change.... on a policy level, but more importantly, on a personal level with those who were not educated on the truth about lung cancer.

But the greatest thing about Dan was that despite his cancer diagnosis, he was the most normal person to be around. He would have chemo on a Friday, and return to work full-time on Tuesday. He traveled, golfed, had beers with his buddies, spoiled his nieces & nephews... and fell in love and proposed to me! (Perhaps his wisest choice!). We were engaged in March 2008, and true to form, set out to plan our wedding a year later. Many people ask why we didn't get married right away... well, we wanted to have everything that normal people have when they get engaged... a year-long engagement, parties and a grand wedding. Unfortunately, about 3 months after we got engaged, the cancer spread to his liver. It was devastating news, but together we spent the next 9 months together fighting for his life.

Despite his harsh treatments, he never gave up working or traveling to raise awareness. In fact, one of the last speeches he gave was to Eli Lily in which he issued a call to action to the company President to adopt lung cancer- an orphaned cancer. He stood up there, knowing he did not have long to live, to thank the researchers for developing Alimta, a drug that gave him 3 years of a great life. Until the end, he wanted to fight and spread his message... "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it". Together, we blogged about our life and living with cancer. That blog was visited by over 15,000 people around the world.

He died in March 2009, and there has not been a day that goes that I don't miss him, am not proud of him and am not motivated to raise awareness for lung cancer. Since he died- I've tried to live the way he taught me. I've picked up NCCF and we are building that for a great future to help young adults. We've raised over $120,000 for our scholarship program. And I've become involved in lung cancer advocacy. Which is how I met Jerry Sorkin. We were both advocating on the Hill for another organization (the Lung Cancer Alliance). We happened to sit next to each other on a bus ride. I remember thinking- "This guy must have lost a parent"... so I was shocked- yes me!- when he told me he has lung cancer. And we become friends. So of course I wanted to help with BDDC in any way possible.

I guess the angle that most people take with BDDC is around raising awareness and research dollars. But what people don't understand- unless they've dealt with lung cancer- is the complete isolation of the disease, especially for those who have lost someone. People ask why they don't hear about lung cancer if it's our #1 cancer killer. Well, very few people survive the disease. And those that do make it beyond the first year... no one tells you what it means to live with the disease. There are few survivors to hold walks and events... only devastated families who lose their loved ones swiftly and painfully, and are left to wonder what happened. Why isn't there pride associated with living with lung cancer? Because people think those diagnosed have brought it on themselves through smoking. Why can't we detect it earlier? Because there are not adequate tests. Why is it so tough to treat? Because your best option is to catch it early and cut out part of a lung.

BDDC is the first event of its kind here in DC. Yes- we are raising money for research. But just as importantly, we are allowing those affected by the disease to come together... to grieve, to celebrate, to acknowledge our fight and anger that this disease has been ignored for too long. I KNOW that one day we will fill the Mall with survivors and family & friends just like the breast cancer walks do. And this is not a knock on breast cancer at all. Rather, the progress they've made with that disease is a great benchmark for us in the lung cancer fight.

So, I am involved with BDDC because of Dan Waeger. My love who challenged me to be positive, to be proactive, to be accountable and to make a meaningful difference in the world. And I don't know anyone else who holds those qualities more than Jerry and our team at BDDC.

We Keep Winning

To all who helped with Waeger Cup VI....THANK YOU!!!! We raised close to $15,000 for our scholarship program and blew past my expectations (which isn't easy to do!). We had a fantastic day at the Links of Gettysburg. The weather was great, the golf was better! We had so many people who donated and volunteered... too many to fit in the program this year! I hope to have pictures up as soon as I find the attachment to my camera :)

As I was standing up in front of everyone at dinner (175 people!), I was really struck by something. First off, I was so honored to be representing this wonderful community that comes together every year to support NCCF. Most people come back year after year, and have tirelessly supported our mission. One thing I've learned... never doubt the power of a small group of people can change the world (thanks, Margaret Mead!). My "job" gets easier each year because so many people step up to help... and it isn't always with a big check. They tell Dan's story, and next thing you know- others want to help in any way. So I'm going to refer to myself as chief snowball roller... just making that snowball and letting it loose from the top of the hill, and watching as it gets bigger and bigger the further it goes.

Second, and I said this at Dan's memorial on Fed Hill last March.... it only takes a spark to get a fire going. At Dan's funeral, the priest related Dan's diagnosis to God taking Dan into a dark tunnel, and leaving him with one single candle. With his candle, Dan lit those of others, until the whole tunnel was glowing. He made others feel less lonely, less dark in their own lives. And he showed us how one person can make a difference and keep making a difference. I hope that for those of us that support NCCF- when it seems a little stressful or we aren't doing enough- I hope we remember the power of one. We've given out 50 scholarships from an organization that was borne out of one person's thought to help others with less than he had. Dan knew nothing about cancer. He knew nothing about setting up a foundation. He knew nothing about giving out scholarships. He knew nothing about raising money. But he figured it out. He made an effort. And we are all figuring it out, learning as we go. I hope we take a step back and acknowledge that without cumulative efforts, 50 people would have a harder time staying in school. And those 50 people will touch so many more lives, sharing their story.

SO.... thank you all!!! We are doing amazing things. We will continue to do amazing things. I will always be here to help, but I can't do it alone.

Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

2010 Waeger Cup

In case you haven't heard already...

The 6th Annual Waeger C.U.P. is right around the corner!!! Mark your calendars- Sunday October 17, 2010.

The tournament will be held at a new location this year- The Links of Gettysburg in Gettysburg , PA. We thank Mike Caporaletti and all the great people at the Royal Oaks Golf Club in Lebanon , PA for hosting us the past five years.

Although he only golfs with us in spirit now, Dan Waeger's legacy lives on in the winning attitude he instilled in others by living his life to the fullest, accepting every challenge, never feeling sorry for himself and committing himself to making a difference in the cancer community. The National Collegiate Cancer Foundation is founded on the principles Dan embodied, and will continue his legacy by serving other young adult cancer survivors.

The Waeger CUP was never about Dan's fight. It is about the 70,000+ young adults who get diagnosed with cancer every year, and those that love and support them. Cancer is the leading disease killer among 20-39 year-olds. Survival rates for young adults have not increased since 1975. Young adults and adolescents continue to be challenged with countless issues specific to their demographic making them one of the most under-served populations of people affected by cancer. And of the 400 cancer organizations in the U.S. , very few to none focus specifically on cancer survivorship issues faced by young adults. NCCF is committed to making a difference in the lives of young adult cancer survivors by providing scholarship assistance to these courageous and inspiring people.

Over the past year, it has been a real honor and testament to Dan's legacy to see so many of you become involved with NCCF. Earlier this summer, we had over 60 volunteers read close to 150 scholarship applications. Last week, we proudly awarded our 51st scholarship in just 5 short years. The reactions of the recipients say it all- some were moved to tears, and all commented that receiving such an award gives them hope for their futures that once seemed so uncertain.

Many, many people volunteered last year to pull off a great tournament, and we will need your support again in 2010!

Registration:
There are two ways to register for the golf tournament:

1) Visit http://collegiatecancer.org/waeger-cup.html

and fill out the registration form and mail it with a check to

NCCF
C/o Meg Rodgers
4858 Battery Lane #216
Bethesda, MD 20814

2) Pay by credit card by making an online donation by clicking the "DONATE" button on the left side of the page and send an email to waegercup@yahoo.com with your foursome or sponsorship information.

Please note that we've had to increase our golfer's fees slightly to $110.

Donations & Sponsorships
Even you are unable to join us, you can still help! We have plenty of sponsorship opportunities, ranging from our $100 hole sponsorship to $1,000 title sponsorship. We take all donations, big or small. We can also work with you to enable corporate gifts, and even matching donations. And we rely on donations of all sorts of items to support our auction and raffle items. We need everything- tickets to Ravens or Redskins games, vacation home donations, gift cards from local restaurants and anything we can get!

On a personal note, Dan's family and I want to thank all of you for the support you have shown us since we lost Dan. We've been overwhelmed by the generosity you've shown and truly touched that many of you have become more involved in NCCF. All of us are so proud of the way Dan lived his life, and the impact he still makes on the cancer community, and all that knew him or of his story. Through the efforts of an ever-growing volunteer corps, NCCF will live on, and I hope you all will continue to join us.

Thank you for all your support!!!

Oh, please try to get your money and registration forms in by October 10th! Contact the Waeger CUP committee at waegercup@yahoo.com with questions.

2010-2011 Scholarship Winners

It's been a busy six months (!) since I last wrote here. Apologies for dropping off... it's certainly not that I don't think about Dan, cancer or the Foundation every day, but it's been awhile since I've even had the urge to write. Just wanted to update everyone on some important NCCF happenings.

We had a very successfull scholarship program this year! NCCF received over 175 applications, and we awarded 12 scholarships! It really does get harder every year to choose among the many qualified applicants. Special thanks goes to the over 60+ people who helped read all the applications. We will be posting writeups on our website soon, but here is a list of our winners...

Ryan Berardi
Lisa Berman
Erica Bury
Shilham Colegial
Laura Duran
Hans Fernandez
James Fowkes
Michael Holderman
Rachel Lozano
Sally Newton
Mario Terrell
Jessica Weller

One of the reasons I choose to continue to be so involved in NCCF is that I really like the fact we know exactly where the money we raise goes to... we know each of the 50(!) people who have been awarded scholarships in the past 5 years. When the admin gets a little tiresome, I can always pull out a scholarship application and re-read it. There are so few organizations that actually give out money to individuals. So it's nice to know who we are really helping.

NCCF Scholarship Application Now Posted!

The 2010-2011 NCCF scholarship application is now posted! Applications will be due June 1, 2010.

Our $1,000 scholarships are open to any young adult cancer survivor or patient between 18-35 who is pursuing higher education.

To date, we've awarded close to 50 scholarships in just 4 short years. What a great way to keep Dan's legacy alive, and keep everyone involved.

To view the requirements and download the application, please visit

http://collegiatecancer.org/scholarships.html

Please pass this information on to anyone who may be eligible!

From Bobby & Lindsay

From Lindsay:

Danny- How he was so special. I first met Danny in 2004 when I met his older brother Bobby. Ill never forget the day we were just getting ready to settle down, Bobby and I in the kitchen cooking dinner when the phone rang. I wasn’t surprised to find out that it was Danny... Danny wanted to find out about this girl that his brother was talking to was all about. Danny was so warm, funny, and caring. After Bobby got the approval I eventually went to Pennsylvania to meet the family, and a couple of years later I soon became apart of the family. Although the distance from California to Pennsylvania made it hard for both Bobby and I to hang out with the family, the calls to communicate between the distances kept coming. We all know what phone call came shortly after, that set the tone for the next couple of years for Danny. I like to look at March 16 as a day of celebration that he wasn’t in pain anymore and went to a magical place I could only dream about. As I wake up on March 17 I thank God everyday for the gift that was given to me in such a time of pain and sorrow. Jack Daniel Waeger was born one day shy of meeting his uncle but I am convinced that Danny is not only his guardian angel but that he was an angel sent from heaven. I write today because its Meghans and Jacks birthday and I know that Danny would want us to celebrate.

From Bobby:

It has been One year now since I lost my Little Brother. I find it really tough to write or talk about it. What can you really say?.. You can say you are upset, angry, sad, and all those things.. but it will not bring him back. He was a true Champion and role model and sucks he had such a short life. CANCER SUCKS (I remember him wearing a shirt that said this).

I can remember when we were in High School: I was a senior and he was a Freshman. He was so dedicated and gifted that he made the Varsity Soccer Team and we were able to play on the same team. I encouraged him to try Football and do a few other sports just like me. He said he did not want to follow the exact footprints I had created. He said he wanted to create his own path and his own footprints. He went on to play golf, which became a true love of his.

In life, it is usually the big brother that is the role model, but I must admit, Danny has been a Role model to me and thousands of other people who have met him. He inspiration, will-win attitude, and courage are just a snapshot of him during his short life. He certainly made his own footprints! He fought Cancer, Finished his MBA, worked a full time job, coached golf, and Fell in Love ... he would not let anything hold him back! He lived everyday to the fullest, he was a man of few words,.. but when he spoke, you better listen.. (he did not like to repeat things!).

I remember how Happy he was when he fell in love with Meghan. (I actually still have the email.). Meghan, Thanks for everything! You mean the world to Danny.

I am sad because he was never able to meet our son and his Nephew: Jack Daniel Waeger (born the day after he passed away) & He was not able to get Married to his beautiful finance Meghan. I am also sad because I was not able to come to his funeral and personally thank all his friends for their love and support.

I find Comfort in having Danny as a guardian Angel for Jack and our family. I often see things in Jack that remind me of Danny. Often I see Jack just staring into a particular place where Lindsay and I do not see anything.. and I think Danny is there watching him.

Ironically Danny was # 4 in Football (freshman year), and At 4:04 AM on March 16th we had a 4.4 earthquake a few miles from our home in California! I am not sure we will ever know the answers to many of our questions as to why/ why Danny, etc. But I find comfort in knowing he is in Heaven and in a great place, possibly playing golf at Sawgrass every day.

Danny did not want anyone to feel sorry for him, and said we all need to Celebrate life, rather than be upset and cry.. It is now Jack and Meghan’s birthday and there is plenty to celebrate, So I offer a toast of Green Beer to anyone who wishes to have one today. (in memory of Dan).

Best,

Bob, Lindsay, and Baby Jack

One Year

I don't have many words today. I am extremely sad that the world lost a great person a year ago today. He fought cancer as hard as anyone could. And he fought for people with cancer more than anyone I've met. It was truly an honor to be in his life, and to be able to call his friends my friends, and his family my family.

A year ago, people told me that time would heal all wounds. There have been moments when I wanted time to move quickly to get away from the pain, and sometimes when I wanted it to stand still so that I wouldn't be so far from having him physically here. We will all continue to move forward with our lives, but no amount of time will remove his memory or the impression he left on each of us.

I miss him. But I do not miss him sick with cancer. Our relationship was complete. We met, fell in love... we had our ups and downs, but when he needed me, there was no question in my mind I would stand by him and help him. One of the blessings of time passing is that I don't remember all the intricacies of his final weeks, and his decline. I really only remember that sweet smile and gentle soul.

I see him. I see him in his friends and family, and the incredible support they've given me. I see him now as spring is arriving and the sun is shining longer. I see pictures of myself now, and I see him in my smile. I see him in the lives that he has touched... in the countless people who remember him daily, and those who are affected by merely hearing his story.

I am sorry he is no longer here. But I won't live my life feeling sorry for my loss. I know how much I was loved- a true and precious gift. But I know Dan wants, rather- expects- me to move forward and live a great life. He told me as much. I know that he would have done anything to stay with us, but that he was very happy despite living every day with a disease that he knew would eventually take his life at some point.

To die at 26 (almost 27)... and to know you had no regrets. You fought hard. You were an exceptional person. You told people how you felt about them. You had something to believe in, and put others in front of yourself. You enjoyed your life, and lived with acceptance of your situation. You made no excuses. You did big things, but more importantly made people believe that big things were possible. You defined the words "hope", "optimism" and "love" for many people. And you did it all while being the most normal person on earth.... I want my life to end up like that.

When I asked Dan if he wanted to write a final blog, he said no. To be honest, I was surprised. But, as only Dan would do, he sat there quietly for a few minutes. Then he looked up at me and said "I've said everything I needed to say. It's not my fault if people weren't listening."

I hope people will go back and read his blog posts. So many people DID listen to him. We may forget sometimes, but we were listening. And the things he stood for are things we can share.

I didn't know how I would feel when this day rolled around. I feel some relief- I made it a full 365 days. And I am still standing. I haven't done things perfectly, but I SURVIVED.

I feel blessed to have made so many new friends over the past year- many of whom were introduced to me by Dan but that I never really knew.

I feel loved by a lot of people. Too many people, really- it's almost embarrassing.

I feel motivated to carry on Dan's work. I feel responsible to those that don't have what we did, and I understand that we were fortunate in many ways.

I feel sad for Dan and all that knew him. I feel sad his nieces and nephews will not get to know him.

And I am thankful. Thankful for the life we lived, and the life he left me.

Dan- you are missed every day. We all love you so much and hope that we are making you proud.

Blogs

Although this blog was originally for the two of us, and eventually for me, I know that it has helped those that loved Dan as well. It has been a place where we all share our thoughts, and where we know Dan's memory lives on. The comments and postings bring comfort to our extended family.

Please take the time to read the posts from Dan's family below, and feel free to add your own memories.

From Dan's Sister Cindy

Even though the Waegers are a pretty tight family, as Danny’s oldest sibling (9 ½ years older), I wasn’t always around for every event in Dan’s life. By the time he got to high school, I pretty much was already moved out of the house and attending law school. I didn’t always know all of his friends, who he was taking to the prom or his teammates on the golf team. However, I did meet many of them while I was home on breaks or for a birthday party, but I wasn’t there every day. I feel very fortunate to have been living in Baltimore when Dan was diagnosed with cancer since he chose to go for treatment at Johns Hopkins. I got to go to every appointment and Dan even lived with me for a couple of months while undergoing daily radiation. These definitely weren’t the best days of his life, but they were time I got to spend with him.

In 2006, I had to move to Hawaii. It was really difficult for me to be so far away from Dan and the rest of my family, especially in those final months. Those days when I feel bad that I didn’t get to spend as much time with Danny in his final 3 years as I would have liked to, I take great comfort in realizing how many people’s lives Dan has touched. I am grateful for how many friends he has and how many people were there for him every day. I am grateful for all of the people that he met through the cancer groups he was involved in, through the speeches he gave, through NCCF, through his job, and through just being a normal, outgoing young adult. I don’t know who all of these people are and most I have never and probably never will meet. But the fact that they were friends with Danny and cared about him makes me proud to be his sister and makes me feel better when I get down.

When I read an email or a blog or hear about something that someone is doing in Dan’s name or even someone saying that they only met him once but they remember him and pray for him, it makes me realize that while Dan’s time was short, he made a big impact and people really cared about him. Knowing that so many people cared about him consoles me when I am having “one of those days.” I want to thank all of those people for everything you have said and done, your thoughts and actions has been one of the things that has helped me through the past year.

Thanks,

Cindy Waeger Fee

From Dan's Sister Holly

I admit I’ve been more emotional the last few weeks, and more sad, and many more things have just reminded me of Danny. With all these thoughts flooding my head lately, so have images of the last few weeks of his life – not all of them joyful or pretty. But, in times like this, I try to reach for the more joyful memories and hold on to those. Even as Danny was close to the end, we managed to find joy each day. But, I think a part of Danny wished for us to remember life before he was sick. I think he appreciates the inspiration he was as a cancer survivor, but that’s not all he was. He was a brother, a friend, a son, a golfer, a guy, a kid who left his room horribly messy, who had his lazy moments, who believed he could talk to dogs like Cesar, who loved ketchup, who enjoyed cheap beer, and who once rode an ostrich and hugged a rhino!

To remember him this week, I’d like to share a few photos of this Danny to try to re-enforce these memories and push out some of the not as joyful ones. I hope you enjoy as much as I did finding them!

From Dan's Sister Patrice

An excerpt from the last letter Patrice wrote to Dan-

Danny,

I have tried to write this letter so many times but writing a letter cannot begin to express the real feelings I have. The Most Important thing I want to say is that I LOVE YOU with all my heart. I ask myself over and over WHY? I still do not understand why you are going through this and why it is not one of us. The only reason I feel an ounce of peace is because you seem at peace with it and you have been so strong--so I know that I must follow your lead.

It is amazing HOW MANY people lives you have changed for the better. I hope that what I have learned by watching you makes me touch even a small % of the people you were able to touch in your life.

I am so proud of you and honored to have you as my little brother.

I am so glad I got to share all of our childhood experiences with you. Your presence in my life has helped make me a better person. The lessons you have taught me I will make sure to instill in my kids.

I can still remember the day when Mom told us she was having a baby. You were the only sibling I remembered as a baby, I remember telling my friends that My Mom is going to have a baby and being so so excited! We all loved you so much that we would fight over you and would pull your arms out of the sockets. We still love you this much and tug at you in new ways that may drive you crazy at times but know that it is because we love you!

With everything that is happening I keep remembering how smart you were as a child. It was always like you were more ahead of your time---more wise and knew things that a normal child at your age would never know. And I realize now that your whole life you have been more mature, more wise--maybe that is why you are a deeper thinker--it is like you were an "old soul" and had inner wisdom. I believe that possibly this is some explanation of how you can handle all this so well--you have inner strength and wisdom--well beyond your years.

I am so glad you found Meg and I will still never forget the day when you called me to tell me you were engaged. I had never heard you SO HAPPY in all your life--I could just tell you were beaming from ear to ear. it was so wonderful to hear you in such a total state of bliss. I am so happy that the 2 of you found each other and have shared as much happiness and love as possible in these past 2 years.

I will think of you and your “will win” attitude every day despite how much heartache it brings right now. Your strength, determination, courage and winning attitude will live on in our household forever.

I love you more than this letter can ever convey….

Love, Patrice

From Dan's Dad

As the first anniversary of Dan’s death approaches I have been thinking more and more as to how much I miss him.

How I miss yelling at the “infallible “referee during his HS soccer games about a particular call involving Dan’s play. How I miss playing golf with him but never being able to score lower than him. I realized that at an early age he exhibited toughness, enough that when 2 of his siblings would pull on his arms from opposite directions, his elbow would painfully dislocate. Ultimately, after multiple occurrences, he “grinned and beared it” and we learned to put his elbow back into place without an ER visit.

Beyond any physical sensitivity he had a wonderful emotional sensitivity. As he matured he became a romantic. He was truly smitten with Meghan and was a creative romantic when it came to her.

It is said that you can tell a lot about your child by observing who he hangs around with. Dan chose his friends very carefully as evidenced by their loyalty to him during his illness and after his death. He also looked up to and emulated his siblings and stepbrother, Brendon. I am sad that they can no longer enjoy their mutual companionship.

He loved his co-workers and his employment at NCCS, and had ambitions that he did not live long enough to achieve.

When you raise a child and try to the best of your ability to educate them and set them free into the real world, a parent always questions if you did enough. I learned that while he attended graduate school and after graduation he matured and I saw first hand that Dan was well equipped to enter society as well as maintain a positive attitude and inner strength to work thru his treatment.

I’ll never understand why God chose him or our family for this tragedy. There are thousands of books written about the complex issue and questions surrounding death, each containing scholarly answers. I believe that his death brings me closer to life, closer to my adult children, grandchildren and close friends. A life we should enjoy in his honor. He died without fear and with very few disappointments.

My disappointment is that I wished he lived longer and then I could have loved and respected him longer.

Memories- From Dan's Mom

I've received a lot of nice notes and emails this week. Dan's mom Cicily sent these pictures to me along with a few words about him.


All moms who love being a mother have special feelings for their final baby. Danny was my "baby", even into adulthood and to the end. Look at his beautiful smile. He was the most perfect baby, always happy and easy going. I used to tell people that Dan could not have been a more perfect baby is he were Jesus himself. Dan was the most laid back person I ever knew, and it started in his infancy. He was always so pleasant. I'm surprised he learned to walk because he was always being carried by his 3 older sisters. I miss him so very much! Cis


This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of Dan as an adult. It was taken in Jan. of 2004 when Dan and I went to Kenya to visit his sister Holly and her husband EJ who were working in Nairobi for 2 years. Dan and I were blessed with a 3 week trip to Kenya. What a lovely time to bond, way before cancer was in the picture. Dan even reported to his siblings that mom was not a pain in the butt, despite my weird sleep rituals. This particular photo was taken on one of the safaris we took with Holly and EJ. It brings me many pleasant and happy memories. Cis

3/16

Many people have asked what I will be doing next week to mark the one year anniversary of Dan's death. I have to admit that the topic was causing me stress, as I am sure it was others who are trying to figure out what to say to me or even do on their own. I really did struggle with it. Dan died on March 16, and my birthday is the next day. For those that don't know me, I love my birthday. I was born on St. Patrick's Day (in a car, mind you- kudos mom and dad for pulling that one off). Since I am Irish Catholic, and spent every year having my birthday celebrated at my parent's annual St. Patrick's Day bash, I had come to know that when March 17 rolls around, there will be a party.

Last year, Dan and I actually talked about the potential that he might pass on my birthday. I actually asked him not to- as if he could be so kind to grant me that wish! Well, he actually did. Even more amazing... he managed to send me flowers all on his own despite his condition. Only Dan would be on his deathbed and still manage to make sure there was one last gift from him.

As the anniversary has been approaching, I really didn't know what to do with the fact that one of the darkest days of my life is now the day before one of my favorite days. What does one do on the anniversary of a death? For me, it has become all about doing something Dan would have done. I know that he wouldn't have sat inside and felt sorry for himself, so that is not an option for me. For some, a good way to remember him may be hitting the driving range for the first time this season. Or it could be going for a short run (he was training for a marathon when he was diagnosed). Maybe it's just as simple as picking up with phone and calling a friend who has been down or you haven't talked to in awhile. Maybe it's having a Miller Lite and making a toast to him. Or taking the dog for an extra long walk. I can't imagine Dan would want us all to be sad- after all, it was Dan who left me with the 90/10 rule: It's ok if you want to cry, but limit it to 10% of your time.

And it was Dan who so often spoke about his attitude towards his diagnosis in this way- if you're going to sit around and think about cancer, you might as well do something about it. So after much thought, I decided that I wanted to go visit other young adults currently undergoing treatment on March 16 at the University or Maryland Cancer Center. I know some people think this is crazy- why in the world would I want to be around anything to do with cancer on that day ?!?!?! Well, because it feels like the right thing to do to honor Dan and respect the legacy he left us. And maybe just by talking to these patients, they might get a break from the monotony of the hospital. Plus, I decided to bring a few gift bags with treats because I would have loved to have had someone do that for those of us that were waiting during treatments.

And it also feels like the right thing to do for me. I've come to understand why some people are fireman or rescue workers. These are people who run into burning buildings or disaster areas when everyone else is running out. I used to think these people were nuts. Now, I think that these people go in because they know they CAN. They know what they have inside. I kinda get that now. I understand what I went through (still going through) is tough. But I am able to look back and realize that last year at this time was tough, and I made it through, so I will keep going. And instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am taking guidance from Dan- I am just going to make that small effort to do something good with what I've learned. So for me, I want to be no other place on March 16 then a place that allows me to give back and connect with others going through what I did. And then that night, I am going to celebrate the birthday of a family friend. Because Dan would have insisted on keeping going with all the fun things in life as well. As for my birthday- I look forward to celebrating it with family and friends and green beer.

I actually like that the anniversary falls the day before my birthday now. I like that I have a day to remember Dan, feel a little sad and hopeful. And then have a reason to celebrate the next day. It makes me feel close to him. And I know I will be able to see many friends and family during this time, which helps us all.

I hope you won't be afraid to laugh that day. Remember all the fun Dan had in life. The huge smile he always wore, and his character and good nature. He lived more than many of us ever will, and he will live on through us as well.

PS- If anyone does anything really fun, let me know! And please don't be afraid to post, write or call. Don't feel like you'd upset me or you won't know what to say. I think it's gonna be ok.