Want to Get Away for Awhile

The tag line from the southwest commercial sums up my attitude towards cancer this week. It’s not that I need to physically get away, although that is always nice, but trying to ignore the constant reminders which most people don’t even notice. Every week I come across countless news articles, commercials, segments on tv, and everything else that mentions cancer.

Some are good, like the article that came out last week that says cancer rates are declining (although given the hike in population this number can be misleading). Sometimes I seek out the articles looking for the latest treatments and revolutionary studies. As for others, I just get overwhelmed and say enough is enough. This week I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to dive into these things, but it’s like the old saying – you never notice what type of car you want or that are out there until you’re in the market for a car. Well, I’m not exactly in the market for cancer, but as a survivor anytime the word pops up in a commercial, article, or tv segment it usually causes me to turn my head.

It’s tough because I don’t want to turn my head. I don’t want to be constantly reminded. I want to get away for awhile but it’s so tough to avoid. Last night, Meg and I were surfing the internet and had the show ER playing in the background. Just as you think you are escaping into the computer by reading emails and looking to buy a few online Christmas gifts, a person on the show ER needs to be treated for cancer. Ugh! Needless to say I just switched the channel. Enough is enough - let's try not to think about cancer until Tuesday which is when my next treatment takes place.

Tomorrow, Meg and I are going to a tree farm to cut down our own tree. I can’t wait! Just picture me driving out to Frederick, MD like Clark W. Griswald from Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and you'll undestand how excited I get. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

The New Normal

In the last post, I wrote about the need for normalcy. I was thinking mostly about being able to do the mundane things in life when we want to do them. But for the most part, I think that Dan and I are pretty much the most normal & grounded people that I know. However, if I take a step back and look at all the things we are busy with, and the things we are accomplishing despite tough circumstances... I am reminded how much we have in our life.

I don't think Dan set out to be an example, but he has found himself in that exact role- for cancer survivors, friends & family. He is a normal person, living his life. And we deal with each other the way normal couples would- we still have spats and are lazy about housework.

So when people say that we are inspiring or giving others hope... I am reminded that there are some things about our life that aren't normal. Some of them are not so fun, such as chemo, side effects and the impact on our schedule. But some are wonderful, such as when you receive a kind note from a friend.

I received this poem this morning from Dan's friend Craig. A reminder that I am marrying someone who is very far from normal :)

Danny’s Song

If there’s strength to be found
He’s gonna reach a higher ground
If there’s love all around
He’ll soak it in

If there’s hearts linked one by one
Then he knows his work ain’t done
Like relentless beams of sun
That refuse to grow dim

It’s all in him
Because Danny will win
Danny will win

If there’s silence in the doubt
He’ll push through, and shout it out
He’s the voice among the crowd
And the spirit within

It’ll never hold him down
Sound the bell, another round
In these worries he could drown
In our love he swims

It’s all in him
Because Danny will win
Danny will win

If there’s life beyond the clouds
It can wait ‘till not right now
There’s a story still unfolding,
Here on earth

There’s so much he has to give
Still his time to fight and live
With a motivation golden
In its worth

If there’s lessons to be learned
Hope and faith are never spurned
In our prayers and our concern
It’s where we begin

That’s it’s all in him
Because Danny will win
Danny will win

Because Danny will win

Christmas Lists

Ever since I can remember, my family has created Christmas lists, and assigned each person an "angel" who would help coordinate gifts. The week after Thanksgiving, my dad would painstakingly (but lovingly) create a sheet for each person complete with a hand-drawn image at the top that reflected something personal about that person. For example, one year during my cycling days, he drew me (well, a stick figure) riding my bike up a hill with a Santa hat on. Now that we are in the digital age, my dad's creativity is found in the vivid imagery of an annual email announcing our family "angel" tradition. This year's was especially tongue in cheek, with dad (aka Ho Ho Ho Rodgers) posting a job listing for S. Claus Enterprises complete with job qualifications and compensation! Note that for those of us trying to find a job- it's a cold, cold world out there, but we can still laugh a little.

I've always loved Christmas. My parents weren't ones to spoil us with material gifts throughout the year, but they really blew it out at Christmas. The number of gifts bordered on obscene. But I loved it! I'd spend hours pouring over the toy section of the Sears catalogue (now I am aging myself), even going so far as writing down the page and item number for toys, dolls and even microscopes (I realize I am 1. a total nerd & 2. very anal). The scene still plays out today, though now I love shopping for gifts, always going way over budget.

It's hard to believe that this year is only the second Christmas that Dan & I will celebrate together. Last year we had so much fun cutting down our own Christmas tree (which required 2 different trips to the farm & Dan's realization that we don't have room for a 10 foot tree), finding creative gifts, going ice skating, heading downtown to look at the lights, and my favorite- creating a "25 days of giving" with our advent calendar. We bought a wooden "calendar" for the month of December that had compartments for each day. We filled it with notes- some were silly (aforementioned ice skating), some were about giving (donating items to Goodwill) and some were personal (writing a letter). It was fun trying to outdo each other, and it made our Christmas so special.

This year, we need a little Christmas... a lot of Christmas, actually. We've been getting knocked down a lot lately-physically & mentally. Even with the positive scan results, Dan's cough seems to be coming back the past couple of days. Living with the cough, and overall illness day in & day out is traumatic for both of us. The moments of normalcy go by so quickly sometimes. Take this morning- Dan gave a speech at a local high school who is raising money for NCCF. An hour later, he was wiped & feeling ill. It's a constant up and down battle. I hate to use words like that- battle- because it seems cliche. But it really is a battle- not only for health, sanity & sleep, but also for the normalcy we crave so much.

But cancer can't take away Christmas. In fact, it will make it even better to celebrate its true meaning. I'm having a really tough time coming up with anything to put on my list this year because the things I want don't come wrapped with a bow. Last year, Santa brought me Peace, Joy, Love & Hope... all in Dan. Those things are all still here, but we haven't been spending enough time reminding ourselves of them. So this year, I'd just like a little time to relax & enjoy it- kick back with the Griswalds & our moose mugs in our bright sweaters and get back to normal.

However, if someone also wants to give me a job, that would be cool, too ;)

Thanksgiving wrap-up

Yes, the news was the best we could have asked for last week. Thank you for all your comments. I wish we could have gone out to celebrate and had a few beers, but unfortunately the life of a cancer survivor during treatment isn’t that glorious. I’m happy to report that on Thursday I was able to put down some holiday food! There is so much to be thankful for, but just having a little turkey, corn pudding, and sweet potatoes on Thursday was all I wanted and I did. The simple pleasures!

Sunday night, my friends in Baltimore had a “Friendsgiving.” It was good to see everyone and hopefully that’s a tradition that will continue! Besides for Meg and my family, my friends have been so supportive throughout this journey. They had a bar fundraiser for the foundation last Tuesday, the day I had chemo so unfortunately I was unable to attend, but it looks like the raised over $1,000. That’s awesome – thanks guys!

My sore throat, mucositis, and mouth sores started kicking in Sunday night. It’s not nearly as bad as the first 2 cycles, but it’s still annoying and something I wish I didn’t have to deal with. The mouth rinse I have seems to be helping, but let’s hope it doesn’t last long. Thanks for your comments last week! I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

Giving Thanks!

We are happy to report the first GREAT news in 5 months... the scans today showed a 25-30% decrease in all areas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't really ask for much better news. Dan had treatment today, but only about 80% of the full dose. The doctor wanted to put it off a week to allow Dan to enjoy Thanksgiving, but Dan really wanted treatment now to enjoy Christmas (his favorite time of the year).

It's still a long road, but it's definitely moving in the right direction!

Short Sighted

A CT scan is scheduled for tomorrow to give us an update on the first two rounds of Taxotere / Avastin. I’m feeling pretty confident the new combo has been working. My cough, even though it still lingers, has decreased which is the tell tale sign for me. While the chemotherapy has been difficult to handle, I just know my body and the cancer is getting better.

Some family and friends have asked how many cycles will I be on or what will you do next if it’s not working. Call me short-sighted, but I think I’ll deal with that when the time comes. The mental battle is a difficult game to play, but if I give in to planning for the worst - when will I have time to focus on getting better and succeeding? It is that positive expectation that has gotten me this far and hopefully will for awhile longer.

Uneventful Week

That’s a good thing in the cancer world. No tests. No scans. No chemo. Just a normal week of trying to catch up on sleep and work! Sorry I don’t have any exciting news to report.

However, I would like to mention the story about golfer, JP Hayes. For those of you that didn’t catch the news story this week, JP Hayes was playing in the end of the year PGA Tour qualifying tournament. During the middle of his round, he pulled out a new ball from his bag. After finishing the hole with the new ball, he realized the ball he was playing was not the same model with which he started the round -- by rule, a two-stroke penalty.

"I realized there was a penalty and I called an official over," Hayes said, according to the newspaper. "He said the penalty was two shots and that I had to finish the hole with that ball and then change back to the original ball." However, two days later in his hotel room, Hayes realized that the errant golf ball might not have been on the approved list.

"It was a Titleist prototype, and somehow it had gotten into my bag," he said, according to the Journal Sentinel. "It had been four weeks since Titleist gave me some prototype balls and I tested them. I have no idea how or why it was still in there."

Hayes had a choice: He could have said nothing and kept playing, with no one aware of his mistake. Or he could turn himself in and let his mistake cost him a spot on the 2009 PGA Tour. He chose the latter.

One word...integrity.

I'd like to say that I would have done the same thing, but you never know until you are in that situation. I think it was John Wooden who said, "The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching." JP Hayes is obviously a man of high character who values being able to look at himself in the mirror more than getting ahead. If who want to know who the heroes are in this world look no further. While some say their heroes are people battling this diesease or overcoming some of life's challenges, I'd like to say that for today JP Hayes is my hero. I’ll be rooting for him in the few events he’ll be allowed to play in due to sponsors’ exemptions. Golf - there is no other sport like it.

Finally, happy birthday Joe and Mrs. Rodgers!