And moving on...

Just a brief note to thank you to everyone who has written after my "rant" yesterday (as Dan termed it). I do think that when Dan has a down moment, I take it much worse then during my own. What I posted was a bit blowing off steam, and a bit of personal note to him not to put it all on himself. But as Dan says, it's nice to have this blog to put it out there once, and get on with the day without dwelling on things. Sweet release.

Also, we have a few things to get straightened out with insurance so Dan will most likely start on the treatment early next week.

Plenty of things keeping us busy this weekend- Nationals game, looking for houses, trip to see the Waegers and maybe a much needed beer or two :) Where did the summer go?

The Real Deal

One thing I think about when writing these entries is how far we should really put ourselves out there. You want to let people know what is going on. You want to be super positive 100% of the time. There is almost a pressure to deliver results. And then there is my belief that in the end, people don't really want to know the whole story. It's too frightening to go there. Think about the last time someone asked you how it's going- what would his reaction have been if you started going off about your terrible boss or financial situation? Probably shock because all he really wants you to say is "things are good" and move on. He doesn't really want to know the true story.

And with cancer, even if you ask, you don't have any idea what it's like until you live with it every day. I didn't, even though I had friends with cancer. On the one hand, you gain a whole new perspective. On the other, not too many people have that same perspective. So while you have a heightened sense of what is important & how precious a week can become, most people walk through life without the same sense of urgency. Those of us in the fight start to hold ourselves up to high expectations & put those on others. How unfair those who end up disappointing you when they have no idea!

I say all this not because I am upset at anyone. Even though some people haven't been present where we thought we would, there are more than enough people who, despite distance & personal circumstances, have reached out & haven't been afraid to ask how it's really going. Even though it's tough, it would be truly impossible to get through every day without someone sending good thoughts. We need those posts & emails to pick us up.

I say this because last night I realized how much pressure we feel in this situation, Dan moreso than me. We don't want to let anyone down. We don't want people to know we get sad & scared, and we cry. We want to deliver results. We want to juggle work, the foundation & treatments effortlessly & flawlessly. We wanted Alimta to work forever, and it's upsetting that something we were so positive about didn't end up providing a lifelong solution. We are nervous about the reaction to Tarceva. We are even more nervous that it won't work.

As you can see keeping this things between the two of us is a lot pressure to put on ourselves on top of everything else. I don't think it does anyone any favors not to acknowledge these things. So even though you may not really want to know, I'm telling you. Cancer sucks. It's scary & it's hard. And you need to be able to say it & move on to the next step. Let it out, take a deep breath & get moving again.

Chocolate Therapy

What would you do when you hear bad news? After the doctors, I headed to dinner at a restaurant called the Burger Joint. I scarfed down a bacon cheese burger with smoked applewood bacon, rosemary, and a special sauce, a basket of sweet potato fries, and a cold Sierra Nevada on tap. It hit the spot!! (http://www.burgerjointdc.com/). The funny thing is I had hopes of eating healthy and maybe even taking a jog. But when I got home, the thought of diving into a face full of unhealthy food was too appealing and the burger joint is conveniently 2 blocks away. Afterwards, I headed across the street for a small Chocolate/Peanut Butter cone at Ben & Jerry’s. I doubt I needed the cone, but when it’s across the street – why not?

As for the results, I’m not really surprised. There’s growth. Realistically, I expected the cancer to grow. Call me pessimistic, but I haven’t had treatment in 3 months. The mass in both my left lung and liver grew ½ cm. In June, the tumors measured 2cm in diameter and now they are 2.5 cm. It’s not aggressive growth or modest growth, but typical. The more disappointing news is that there is another spot on my liver (measuring about1cm).

What am I feeling? Cancer sucks. It’s preventing Meghan and me from leading the perfect life. I understand that nobody has a perfect life, but it would nice to have the mental freedom to plan a future. To plan a wedding. To plan more than just a two weeks at a time. Right now, I’m scheduled to go on Tarceva – 25 mg a day. After two weeks, I will increase the dose to 50mg and two weeks later to 75mg. This was the game plan which came from the doctor in Colorado and my doctor agreed.

I feel like others were hoping for something different, so I’m sorry to disappoint. Were you hoping for the cancer to magically disappear? I still am, it is just that my mind had already switched to being optimistic about Tarceva. So keep the prayers and support coming! Our next check point is October 14th!

Regaining Control

After being diagnosed with cancer, you tend to lose control. Immediately, there is chaos followed by a wave of emotions – usually anger, fear, uncertainty, and feelings of isolation. We gradually learn more about the disease. We learn about what it does, the side effects, and changes to the body. We get back that control, but it takes time. Life doesn't stop just because someone has cancer. Cancer becomes a part of our lives, but it is not the only part. Life will never be the way it was before, but we cannot surrender to the disease. We do our part, make our way, go to work, and enjoy our time with others when we can. It is a “tricky” time as Meghan says because the cancer is still in there. But we do regain the control. None of us are helpless. We have the support of others. We have the experiences from before to draw on. We are not passive witnesses to our own lives. After tomorrow, I’m still going to have control.

It's a Tricky Time

As Dan mentioned in his last post, we have a meeting with the doctor this Tuesday that will start the next steps in treatment. I think I've been in a happy bubble of denial. But as the time for Dan's next scan nears, I start think of the "what if's"... what if it's worse than before? We've adapted pretty quickly the past two months, but it hasn't been too hard because other than the doctors' telling us the cancer is in there, you would have no idea Dan actually has cancer. It's easy to trick yourself into thinking that there really isn't anything wrong... but when I'm reminded, it brings the waves of fear and sadness all over again.

I've been locked away at work this week, and haven't had much time to worry, but heading into the weekend, I find myself wondering if this will be the last peaceful time for us for awhile.

Catching Up

Art Competition:
Judging the artwork was a great experience. Seeing each piece was like meeting 600 new cancer survivors. They all had a story to tell. Hearing about their treatments, surgeries, and personal experiences created a guilty feeling then when I would issue a low score. However, as the judging progressed, certain pieces definitely shined. It was wonderful to read the narrative and see the art all come together. Who knew one could be inspired through art? The competition not just provided an outlet for those 600 entries, but engaged so many through a forum that even the toughest of men wanted to pick up a brush.

Baseball Fever:
On Tuesday, I headed to the red sox/orioles game. Unfortunately, the huge red sox fan (Meghan) had to work late, but it was nice to see my friends. I enjoyed a few Miller Lites and salty peanuts too! (Grammatically speaking is the plural form Millers Lite or Miller Lites? Just like is it Tours de France or Tour de France’s?) Normally, or at least over the past year, the cumulative effect of chemo created an increased sensitivity to sodium, salty or processed foods, and alcohol. I would have to shy away or at least limit my intake, but now that I’ve had a little break from treatment it was nice to indulge.

Doctor’s Appointment:
Scheduled a meeting for next Tuesday. I’m 90% certain we’ll go with the doctor in Colorado’s recommendation of taking the oral pill (Tarceva) again. I advocated getting another CT scan as well. It’s probably been 7-8 weeks since my last CT and it will be good to use as a baseline to be more precise in our evaluation and effectiveness of Tarceva.

Cancer at 15

Yep. That’s what the doctor told us. The news definitely shocked Meghan and I. What was I doing at the age 15 or 16? What was I exposed to?

This notion is difficult to comprehend, even more so when he explained that I was probably exposed to the carcinogens that caused my cancer even earlier. The youngest person he had ever seen with lung cancer at diagnosis was 26. I had the guy beat by 4 years……..lucky me!

His reasoning was based on the amount of cancer growth from the scans in Feb and June. If you recall from biology, the amount of time it takes for one cell to divide or for a group of cells (such as a tumor) to double in size is referred to as the doubling time. Every cancer’s doubling time is different and mine is a slow growing. That’s probably a good thing, but it also means that I wasn’t symptomatic for 7 years before I was initially diagnosed which is kind of scary. I’m not quite sure how to take the recent revelation. It’s mind-boggling and shocking and I really don’t know how to wrap my head around it.