Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Quiet Time

I know I've been a little quiet lately. It's not that I haven't had things to write about... I have a bunch stored up. But, after spending the first 7 months so insanely busy, I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to the grieving process. Pushing things aside too easily. Now with the golf tournament over, and fall settling in, I've been trying to force myself to sit still and "just be"- trust me, it's not in my nature.

You can't really speed through grief, and it's kinda irritating. It's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom- you can fill it up, but it's not enough. So, sometimes you just have let that bucket run empty. Kinda scary, really. It's not realistic. I've been told I am a good griever... because I give the impression that I can do it all and handle it all. Truth be told, a few months ago, I found myself sitting on the floor in Borders for hours reading books about grieving. I kinda scoffed- checking off the steps. Or just thinking "nope, not gonna make that mistake". What I realize now is that I was probably skipping some steps based on sheer will and determination. But I think I may need a remedial course on some points. I don't feel less positive, just more aware. Maybe more ready to acknowledge what we don't talk about as much. Mostly because you'd never want anyone else to feel what you do in these situations.

As I was reading my daily dose of gossip, I came across an article on about a women's convention that was chaired by Maria Shriver. Patrick Swayze's widow was on a panel and spoke about her grief. I just thought some of the points were right on... I really applaud the women for speaking out on this issue, because too often we don't. We hide these things away, which is what I've been doing. Fortunately, I have a good group of people in my life who let me call (which many know is one of my challenges) in the middle of day when something else stupid comes up, and let me talk about the stupid thing until I realize what it is I am really upset about. Anways, here are some of the quotes.

"Loss is like an animal all of its own and the sadness can be felt on a cellular level."

"Grief cracks your heart into little pieces and that hurts, big time, big time. It's hard to concentrate, it’s hard to see, its hard to feel, it's even hard to breathe."

"Every minute of every day I can feel my broken heart. I tell all of those close to me, 'Don't worry, I'm fine, really, I am.' … The real truth is, I'm not fine. The real truth is that death has brought me to my knees."

People probably wonder how Dan & got through all that we did. Many don't even know the extent because we kept a lot to myself. When talking to people that are going through the same thing now, I say to focus on the day, and the issue at hand. The overall picture can be too daunting. And it can't be solved in a day or week or even a month. Focus on getting through the doctor's appointment or treatment or ER visit. That was the way we dealt with it. Perhaps I should listen to myself sometimes ;)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Walk On

I have loved music my whole life. I can't sing or can't play an instrument, but I have a knack for remembering lyrics and making great dj mixes. I get some of this love from my parents. From an early age, I remember our house being filled with Simon & Garfunkel and James Taylor. Every Christmas, my dad gathers everyone around and we all sing Christmas carols. If you ever end up in an Irish bar with my family during a good "session", chances are you'll be schooled in our love of Irish music and folk songs. And there is nothing I enjoy more than a good jukebox, cold beer and a good friend to sit and try to one-up one another with cheesy or obscure tunes.

When it comes to certain moments in life, I can usually tie them back to a band, song or album. I kept all my mixed tapes from high school. I probably have a song that I associate for each friend I've ever made. They may not know it, but the song was playing or sung during a key moment or highlight in our relationship. For me, music makes me feel something or connect to someone in ways I could never say or write myself.

Sidebar-The irony of this is that Dan had very little knowledge of music. His favorite band was a COVER band for goodness sakes! But we managed to have our songs just like any other couple. And I love listening to them.

Music is becoming critical to my grief process. Maybe it's the change of weather, or maybe it's just because I was so busy these last 7 months and now have a moment to sit still... but the grieving process is changing yet again. I have been told I've handled this "brilliantly" by some... not really an accomplishment I'd ever hope to achieve. Yes-I've done a ton... I've thrown everything at the grief... runing, biking, swimming, shopping, traveling, crying, laughing, volunteering, working, speaking... and still, it's tough. It's just plain tough. Some days, it's hard to think what else to do. I feel like I've been trying it all.

So, I've been coming back to music a lot more lately. Workouts are filled with the Back Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Katie Perry, Kanye... a whole host of music to make me move. Helps with the anxiety and restlessness

But it's been a reconnection to an "old" band that has been giving me a little bit of peace. A little bit of... "someone gets it". It's probably because I saw two of their shows in the span of 10 days, but I have become obsessed with U2 again. I was just blown away by their stage show, but also by the lyrics to some of their songs. In particular "Stuck in A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" and "Walk On". These songs pretty much sum up my peice of mind these days, so if you want to know how I am feeling give a listen. I alternate between feeling so stuck in a terrible spot, and at the same time encouraged to get moving.

Here are some of the lyrics

From "Stuck in a Moment"

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to findA decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight'
Cause tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

And from "Walk On"

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Waeger Cup V

Waeger Cup V was a huge success!!! It was a great day. So great that I am still recovering. But happy looking at the trophy that Diehl, Serge & Joe brought home for Dan! More later, but enjoy the pictures!

Could my nieces be any cuter?

Our 8-some (well 10 if you count me & Brielle!)

All hail the champs!