Valentine's Day

Today I had the opportunity to film for a show called World's Strictest Parents. The premise of the show is to take 2 difficult teenagers and place them in a home with more discipline and rules for 5 days- sorta like Wife Swap. Anyways, as part of the show, the host parents and teenagers participate in a service activity. Which is how I was involved- I spent the day with the Coopers and Vicki and Caleb at the Ulman Cancer Fund's offices. The kids spent the afternoon doing various activities around the office- cleaning, organizing and stuffing information packets for people who need resources for young adults with cancer. I was there to help, and also to share my experiences with cancer, and Dan's story.

I didn't know what to expect- it was really a last minute opportunity. Being that it's Valentine's Day, and the anniversary of a very difficult weekend for us last year... I was happy to spend the day doing something productive. And it was cathartic to talk about what happened to me, and to us. I know it's a hard story for people to hear... no one wants to meet someone and learn about loss. It was very exhausting- I found it a little difficult to slip "hey I was engaged and my fiance died of cancer" into casual conversation while unpacking boxes. But there was a moment when I wasn't aware that I was being filmed, and talked very candidly to Mrs. Cooper about my life. She asked me how I could be so strong, and as I like to say- I had a great teacher.

Two years ago, Dan hung a huge sign across his office (I was working across the street at the time) wishing me happy Valentine's Day. He didn't spend much money at all, and it was the best gift I've ever received. Last year, Dan was too ill to pull off his normal over-the-top ideas. In fact, we were out briefly, and he didn't have the energy to make a stop to get a card. It was then that I knew he probably didn't have much time left. That night, we spent several hours in the emergency room trying to rectify issues with the drain they'd placed in his stomach. I guess that is the real meaning of a day like Valentine's Day- just sticking by the person you love no matter where you are. It was a tough day... I miss him terribly, and it hasn't subsided one bit. But I thankful to have these opportunities to share our story of love and commitment. It hurts, but it helps at the same time.

The picture above is from a photo essay I was asked to take part in for the Ulman Fund a few weeks back. The idea was to show young people affected by cancer. I was so happy that they chose the above picture. I am honored to have my life associated with Dan's, and I know he will always be a part of me.

This was my quote to go along with the picture:

"Watching someone you love live with cancer taught me that you can't look back at the past with regret, or fear that the future will be filled with dread. You have to live every precious moment with the appreciation and wonderment of what you've been given."

So I never imagined my "big break" in TV would come this way, but I hope someone will see it and be inspired so that Dan's legacy will continue.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Fight or Flee

Seems like lately I've been more on the fleeing side than fighting. Probably because it was this time last year that things really hit the fan. Bad news seemed to come daily, and there was nothing we could really do. I admit, it's a tough time. Not just for me, but for everyone in our little circle that are under constant reminder of what was going on a year ago. I never stopped to think about people that helped us... I have a better idea now of what it is like to be on in the inner circle as opposed to being in lock-step.

This past week... it did seem to be too much.... too much loss, too much pain and suffering with no answers at all. I honestly had no idea what to do with myself. Because you do lull yourself into thinking that you're dealing well with everything and that you're getting used to it. But you don't. There will always be moments when you painfully long for what you've lost and will never have back. And damn it... those moments always seem to hit you at an unlikely time or place (see last year's Smoothie King post).

I was with one of my friends who didn't know me during my time with Dan. And has no real knowledge of what happened other than the bits I've told. I am not one to dwell on anything... one of my favorite movie scenes is in Jerry McGuire. Jerry and Dorothy are having dinner and they being talking about things in the past. Dorothy stops Jerry and says- "Jerry, let's not tell our sad stories." Well, that is pretty much me. I don't like people giving me looks of pity when they hear what happened to us. I REALLY can't stand it. Anyways, I happened to really lose it with my friend, and the comment was that he was glad to see that I was finally human. That I am not immune to emotion or anger. And that I am allowed to be fed up and angry at this disease and the loss it leaves in its wake. . At that moment, I really felt like it was better to flee. To pack it up for a bit, and just go on and not think about cancer. But as my friend said- People can't help or relate unless you help them to relate.

As I was thinking about it, I realized how much I've been forcing other things to "fix" my problems. Fix me, I guess. Work, the foundation, traveling and my favorite- shopping :) Even just crossing days off the calendar thinking "At 6 months, I'll feel like this, and by the time a year goes by I'll feel so much better. I keep waiting for a golden moment when I would know something had come along to fill the void or save me. And then as I was organizing my office, I started reading one of Dan's speeches. And there it was in his writing... there are times when the challenge seems too tough... we hear of another friend or co-worker who is diagnosed, and unfortunately, not all of them make it.... these challenges are our moments for us to see who we really are and the people we're meant to be. That's why I love him- Dan always knew the right thing to say!

Yes, dealing with my loss is tough. And having people I love go through the same things now that I did... it's enough to make me want to pull the covers over my head. But in doing that, I'd be losing the opportunity to take what happened to us and do something for someone else. Fighting is really the only option. No one likes a quitter, especially me. So instead of fleeing, I'm going to look at the moments when I need to step back as just re-grouping. Even Rocky got knocked down out by Clubber Lang and lost his beloved Mickey and started to doubt himself. But he re-grouped, stepped back and admitted that he didn't know what to do when he started questioning everything he knew. But he got back in there, using a new way of thinking & training and of course, took out Clubber Lang (see Rocky 3).

So I am in re-grouping mode- which is good, because there is much to fight for...

PS- There is a Coldplay song that I had been listening to... "Fix Me". I was listening to it tonight, and I used to think that it would be nice if someone came along and sang it to me. And then, in-line with my new way of thinking... I decided maybe it's more about saying these things to yourself and knowing that you can fix yourself. Lyrics below...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.