I know I've been a little quiet lately. It's not that I haven't had things to write about... I have a bunch stored up. But, after spending the first 7 months so insanely busy, I realized that I wasn't paying enough attention to the grieving process. Pushing things aside too easily. Now with the golf tournament over, and fall settling in, I've been trying to force myself to sit still and "just be"- trust me, it's not in my nature.
You can't really speed through grief, and it's kinda irritating. It's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom- you can fill it up, but it's not enough. So, sometimes you just have let that bucket run empty. Kinda scary, really. It's not realistic. I've been told I am a good griever... because I give the impression that I can do it all and handle it all. Truth be told, a few months ago, I found myself sitting on the floor in Borders for hours reading books about grieving. I kinda scoffed- checking off the steps. Or just thinking "nope, not gonna make that mistake". What I realize now is that I was probably skipping some steps based on sheer will and determination. But I think I may need a remedial course on some points. I don't feel less positive, just more aware. Maybe more ready to acknowledge what we don't talk about as much. Mostly because you'd never want anyone else to feel what you do in these situations.
As I was reading my daily dose of gossip, I came across an article on people.com about a women's convention that was chaired by Maria Shriver. Patrick Swayze's widow was on a panel and spoke about her grief. I just thought some of the points were right on... I really applaud the women for speaking out on this issue, because too often we don't. We hide these things away, which is what I've been doing. Fortunately, I have a good group of people in my life who let me call (which many know is one of my challenges) in the middle of day when something else stupid comes up, and let me talk about the stupid thing until I realize what it is I am really upset about. Anways, here are some of the quotes.
"Loss is like an animal all of its own and the sadness can be felt on a cellular level."
"Grief cracks your heart into little pieces and that hurts, big time, big time. It's hard to concentrate, it’s hard to see, its hard to feel, it's even hard to breathe."
"Every minute of every day I can feel my broken heart. I tell all of those close to me, 'Don't worry, I'm fine, really, I am.' … The real truth is, I'm not fine. The real truth is that death has brought me to my knees."
People probably wonder how Dan & got through all that we did. Many don't even know the extent because we kept a lot to myself. When talking to people that are going through the same thing now, I say to focus on the day, and the issue at hand. The overall picture can be too daunting. And it can't be solved in a day or week or even a month. Focus on getting through the doctor's appointment or treatment or ER visit. That was the way we dealt with it. Perhaps I should listen to myself sometimes ;)