Hard to believe last year we were thankful for good scan results and no chemo so Dan could eat Thanksgiving dinner.
People say that the holidays are hard. I don't think they are particularly easy, but last year was no cake walk. Dan was very sick, and even with some good news, I could see that the situation he was in was not going to be sustainable. And we certainly weren't able to celebrate the holidays as we had the year before... so I was already aware that those days were gone and probably wouldn't be back.
Of course I miss Dan- we all do. But I am thankful that he is not suffering anymore. I have been very sick for the past few days with a terrible head cold. I was coughing all the time, and couldn't sleep through the night because of it. After the third night I was plum exhausted and wondering what I was going to do (thank you, cough medicine + codine!). But I couldn't really complain, because that was our reality last year... Dan was coughing, all the time. In the morning, he would have to sit for almost an hour to wake up, cough, clear and be in shape to move. All day- the cough. Sometimes he would be frustrated. He took that narcotic medicine like clockwork. At night, he slept sleeping straight up to prevent build-up in his chest. Straight up against a wall or the high arm of the couch. And he slept in only 2-3 hour bursts, which meant that I slept in the 3 hour bursts, even though it became impossible for us to sleep in the same bed. I insisted we did for as long as possible- I didn't want him to be coughing alone. The cough was exhausting for us both, but it used to break my heart for him. Aside from the physical discomfort it was a very telling sign that the cancer was there. But he didn't let it stop him- he still wanted to go to work and run NCCF.
So, I am thankful Dan is not coughing, and I that I will recover from a cold after a few days. The human body is amazing.
Just few more things I am thankful for-some big, some small
- Friends & family (without saying), especially the ones who have let me take my time in opening up and don't judge me. And those that don't forgot that my life will never be the same.
- My nieces who bring total joy to my life and remind of the childlike enthusiasm Dan had every day.
- An understanding and kind employer. Plus, people that work there who are smart and collaborative. Never would make it without this one!
- Tights- nothing better than being cozy in the late fall
- The Biggest Loser- how can you not be motivated when you watch this show (Dan's favorite)
- The new Caramel Brulee latte at Starbucks. I am obsessed- totally not good for me, but so yummy and brightens my day.
- The gym- I hate it some days, but my workout mix on my ipod is so cheezy that I don't ever seem to mind. And it always does the trick. Plus, I have a lot of triathlons this year!
- My smart choice in having more than one NFL to root for... if I only had the Redskins, I would be so miserable right now!
I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. I hope you will spend it surrounded by family and friends, and feel the warmth of those that aren't with you. And for those that will be missing Dan or anyone else they've lost....
May their strength give you strength.
May their hope give you hope.
May their faith give you faith.
May their love bring you love.
May 22, 2015 — Dying and Unafraid
2 days ago