Every day, it amazes me at what things bring up the twinges of pain or disbelief that Dan is no longer here.
Things like having to change my "in case of emergency person". It feels like you wait your whole life to have someone to list other than your parents if something were to happen.
Things like finding files on my work computer that kept a list of blog ideas.
Things like finding a list of returned wedding gifts I never even knew we received while looking for a pen in a drawer at my parents' house.
Things like finding a booklet on planning a funeral tucked into old wedding planning file.
Things like looking at Dan's laundry that still sits untouched in the corner... but needs to be done because all my retail therapy has resulted in a shortage of closet space.
Things like developing tendonitis because I ran too many days in a row... knowing that Dan would say that I was overdoing it.
Things like realizing that grocery shopping for one is no fun and usually results in half of the food going bad.
Things like the fact that Dan STILL gets more mail & email than me. He was always very popular!
Things like being in a crowd of people but feeling much alone....
I know that you never get over a loss like this, although it becomes less potent some days. But then it's these little moments that stop you in your tracks. I don't really break down in tears. It's more like a little gasp of disbelief . I am honestly surprised at certain points that Dan is no longer here with us.
I don't really like being alone, but I accept it for now, fully believing it will be temporary. The more overwhelming feeling is not a sadness around what I lost, but the greater impact of what Dan did. He lost his chance to get up every day & do normal things... even things like going grocery shopping, doing laundry, returning emails and even feeling lonely every once and awhile. We're all still here, and he is not. And there is no real reason why.
May 22, 2015 — Dying and Unafraid
2 days ago