Tuesday, June 2, 2009

In Case of Emergency

Every day, it amazes me at what things bring up the twinges of pain or disbelief that Dan is no longer here.

Things like having to change my "in case of emergency person". It feels like you wait your whole life to have someone to list other than your parents if something were to happen.

Things like finding files on my work computer that kept a list of blog ideas.

Things like finding a list of returned wedding gifts I never even knew we received while looking for a pen in a drawer at my parents' house.

Things like finding a booklet on planning a funeral tucked into old wedding planning file.

Things like looking at Dan's laundry that still sits untouched in the corner... but needs to be done because all my retail therapy has resulted in a shortage of closet space.

Things like developing tendonitis because I ran too many days in a row... knowing that Dan would say that I was overdoing it.

Things like realizing that grocery shopping for one is no fun and usually results in half of the food going bad.

Things like the fact that Dan STILL gets more mail & email than me. He was always very popular!

Things like being in a crowd of people but feeling much alone....

I know that you never get over a loss like this, although it becomes less potent some days. But then it's these little moments that stop you in your tracks. I don't really break down in tears. It's more like a little gasp of disbelief . I am honestly surprised at certain points that Dan is no longer here with us.

I don't really like being alone, but I accept it for now, fully believing it will be temporary. The more overwhelming feeling is not a sadness around what I lost, but the greater impact of what Dan did. He lost his chance to get up every day & do normal things... even things like going grocery shopping, doing laundry, returning emails and even feeling lonely every once and awhile. We're all still here, and he is not. And there is no real reason why.


Daria said...

Thanks for sharing that ... it's very moving.

Anonymous said...

My husband died 8 weeks ago and I know he is gone, BUT it still is hard to believe he is really gone. I like reading your blog because I feel like your world is similar to mine and you express your feelings so well. Take care of yourself.


Zella said...

My husband died almost 14 years ago. Although Mike was terminally ill when we married, we had hope that things would be ok, that he would survive, and we did the best we could to live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, God had other plans for the end to our story. As I read your blog, every feeling you are feeling I felt, and still feel at times...it brings back so many memories. It is true that you will never get over losing Dan, but you will get through it. And you will emerge stronger and touch others in ways you never imagined. You already have.

Anonymous said...

Becauae of your emotional honesty and courage Meg, you touch so many people.
Love, Aunt Kitty

Suzpotts said...

Thanks for sharing your story with so many and please know that we are thinking of you. Just saw the page on NCCS for Dan, too-what an amazing tribute. Hang in there,

Anonymous said...

Oh, Meghan,
Your Dan-moments of reflection, your solo activities, and your very alone days sound tough. I hope those rough times subside and disappear, becoming replaced with happy reflection and daily activities that invigorate and bring joy to you along with bringing more wonderful people into your life. It will happen.
cousin P

monster said...

Yes -- I've had some moments like this too. When someone told us where the golf course was here in La Paz -- the highest golf course in the world! I thought, oh, when Dan comes he'll have to play. Then realized he's already playing on the highest golf course in the world. Love you!

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